Over these past few months I seem to be battling a series of small, but discouraging illness.  And over it all looms the shadow of a possible larger illness.  Is this cough or pain just a cough or pain?  Or is it something bigger?

 

Through my life I can’t even count the number of times I went into the doctor with some small complaint and come out finding out I have a serious medical condition.  Fatigue?  It’s fibromyalgia.  Sore wrist?  I have 7 (not bones in each wrist and they dislocate easily.  Need new glasses?  Have monocular vision.  There’s no small ailment that might not require physical therapy.  Seriously.

 

And it’s discouraging.  It makes you paranoid of your own body.  It makes you expect the worst.  And it makes you afraid of seeing a doctor for fear of what you’ll find out.

 

Recently I’ve been feeling this quite acutely.  I expect to keep getting sicker.  I expect to be able to do less.

 

And I don’t expect healing.  I’ve stopped expecting healing.  Which is ridiculous, because the number of times I’ve heard the words “miraculous recovery” from doctors should be telling me something.  Despite all that has happened, I still lack faith.  I still look for the silver lining in the cloud, rather than expecting the cloud to leave.  I look for what I can be learning in illness, rather than expecting it to leave.

 

I know this is wrong.  I’m praying about it.  I’m working with someone on this.

 

Tonight I was asked to pray for healing for someone else who is hurting.  And I didn’t hesitate for even a moment.  I jumped right in and prayed with boldness.

 

Evidently I have faith for others and for God working through me, just not for healing for myself…..